Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Stuff to do and actually doing it

My sewing space.
Every night, after my kids go to bed, I have almost three hours to do just about anything I want to do. Well, almost three hours--of course I have dishes to finish up and currently do my pilates at night. So, maybe after all that, I have two hours. Doesn't seem like much, but when you're job is taking care of everyone else besides yourself (including a condo and two dogs), two hours sounds like a lot of time. Which is why I don't understand why I don't actually do anything most nights.

I thought originally that it was because I was distracted by the Mr., who sits on his computer all night and watches baseball (go Angels!). No, it's not him. I do love cuddling up on the couch next to him, but HE is not the reason I am doing nothing. Besides, when he is out of town for work, I still find myself rummaging the cupboards for a little chocolate to nibble while vegging out in front of the TV.

My next thought was that it must be because I can't really accomplish anything in two hours. But that is a complete lie to myself and utter bull shit.

So it is, on this lonely night with the Mr. away (in Vegas nonetheless, in an awesome outside of the strip resort, without me!), that I find myself chewing gum (to avoid eating the kids' Easter candy) and staring at my stash of less-than inspiring fabric, wondering why I am not doing a damn thing. Pilates is done, dishes are few so I am avoiding them, and the Angel's game is on but I wanted to accomplish something and I muted it--plus the TV is in the living room and my sewing room/office is separate. Why? Why can I not find the motivation to do anything? Am I tired? Maybe, a little. Am I lazy? It's a possibility. Fun fact: although my brain moves at least 10 million miles a minute, my body takes it time--like my Dad always used to tell me, "You move slower than molasses on a cold day!"

After taking all this in, sitting on a short IKEA kids storage stool and staring at my fabric, I felt the sudden urge to do something. So I walked into the living room, sat down on the sofa, finished up my tea and lifted my pad of paper. I decided to make a list, a motivational list, to encourage myself each night to do something I know I wanted to accomplish. These lists usually include lots of squiggly underlining and a ridiculous amount of exclamation points, sometimes coupled with question marks as if to challenge myself to something. But, I had no pencil; which is my preferred tool for writing. And no pen. Just a bright yellow highlighter, which had it been pink or green or blue, I might have used. I'm glad I had nothing to write with, though. I ran back into my sewing room and looked at all the patterns I had gotten out. All the stacks of garments I want to make. I looked at my fabric and... oh yeah, I don't really like any of it.

Now, I don't think it is fair to blame this on my fabric. I mean, I'm the one who bought it. And truthfully, I had a project in mind for every yard of fabric in there. It's just, in the last year and since I last bought fabric, my fashion awareness and tastes have changed or matured, finally. On the one hand, it's good to have fabric you don't really like because you can make muslins (practice garments) out of it and not have to worry about cutting and marking it up to get the right fit. On the other hand, it's not so good for me because I don't really have the money to buy fabric that I do love and want to use for clothes I will actually wear. Maybe that's the real culprit: I'm not motivated because I don't feel that my hard work can be put to use on wearable clothes. Good, fashionable fabric is expensive. And if you find a good deal online, it's great if you already know exactly what it feels like--this is how I gauge which types of fabrics I can use (I should really learn more about fabric... ), so I'm usually afraid to buy online. This, in itself should not discourage me. Even though I thoroughly dislike JoAnn's fabrics, I do get coupons and I am sure I can find something I like. And if I get a little extra money, buying enough fabric for one garment can be fit into the budget (after I've completed the muslin and have the right fit).

Through all of this, I reminded myself that accomplishing something does not always mean completing it. One night I can prepare the fabric and pattern for cutting. Another night could be side seams or a zipper. I need a sense of accomplishment each night that is for myself, so that each morning I wake up motivated and refreshed to care for my family with patience and love, and to have the energy to move throughout my day with purpose.

'Tis the life of a mom--or any woman for that matter, we all need our creative outlets.

Thanks for reading :)
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4 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel! I always tell myself that I will do so many things, and then I come home from work and waffle my time away at a computer or in front of the TV (and then feel stupid because I just spent all day doing both of those things!). But you're right: accomplishing something doesn't always mean completing it, and I'm starting to learn to be okay with not putting a nice pretty bow on top of everything I do!

    PS- I won't tell the family if you sneak some of the kids' Easter candy ;)

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  2. "...accomplishing something does not always mean completing it." I think there's a gene for that. Really. It's probably my most consistent talent! As young military wives in the Vietnam era we all were sewers. Teas, Coffees, Balls, and parties -- plus lots of time when our husbands were deployed (none of us had kids yet). Clothes usually stalled at the zipper stage until I absolutely positively HAD to have the dress - I hated doing zippers (I hear there's a neat attachmet for that these days). And I can't tell you how many needlepoint/crewel projects are folded up in a suitcase somewhere. My rationale - I like the making, not the mounting. Some of them come back to me as Mom & Dad downsize and filter thru what's left. I swear I don't remember framing them but I certainly hope I did - who gives a gift the recipient has to frame??? The only thing I can quit without finishing is writing because for me that's endless. Must have been all those Dear Diary projects as a kid.

    BUT. There is the possibility that if you're not motivated at night - after a day full of mommy duties and pilates - your body is telling your brain that you're tired. Tired needs rest. I speak from experience here Robyn and would hate to see you end up like me. I pushed myself forever, telling myself I was just being weak when I was tired. Didn't help that I expected perfection from myself. The result - permanent disability at the age of 50. Now I'm never rested, no matter how much I sleep because I can only sleep 45 min - 2 hrs at a time and then never deep, healing sleep. And I will be in pain until the day I die. And it's the endless pain that drives people with Fibromyalgia to committ suicide. It's still unknown what causes Fibromyalgia but I'm convinced my lifestyle contributed. So please Robyn, don't go there. Let your body rest.

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    Replies

    1. Patti,

      If I had more time I would be actually completing garments in one day! I love sewing, and I would definitely do it all day long if it didn't mean ignoring my other duties and children :) This is why I needed to give myself a pep-talk, knowing that, although I can't complete an entire garment (or quilt/project) in one night, I can accomplish some part of it little by little. Funny you mention crewel--I got a book from my sister on it and already have an infatuation with embroidery, oh the time I wish I had for all these crafts!

      And thank you for the warning. I'm sorry to find out that you have Fibromyalgia (the Mr. didn't tell me, maybe he didn't know either?). I am not one to skimp out on sleep. These thoughts about productivity are more about me recognizing that I feel incomplete and often don't have enough creative outlet during the day to feed my soul. Not everyday is like that, of course. But I do want to make time for my creative hobbies, especially sewing. I typically get 7-8 hours of sleep each night (the kids go to bed at 7pm). Some nights I may only get 6 hours, but I know when my body is tired and I make up for it the next day and night, relaxing has never been a problem for me :) (remember, "slower than molasses..."). But I will definitely keep this in mind and listen to my body--in fact, I had a conversation just this afternoon with Tristan about listening to our bodies and realizing when we need to slow down (he's quite the busy-body, it must be that testosterone).

      Thank you for reading and commenting. I always love hearing from you and your experiences :)

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