Five and a half months ago something amazing happened: the Mr. was offered a "dream" job. This job was not only something he has felt very drawn to as a writer, but it also paid double what he was making and after 2 years would have tripled his current salary, along with a lot of other great benefits. On top of all that, it would have taken us far away from everyone and everything we know. But at the same time we had just sold our low-income condo and the Mr.'s grandfather had just sold his house in a city we didn't want to live in and we were now looking for a new house for all of us to live in. The Mr. had been offered this job before, 2 years earlier and turned it down because he wanted to finish school. It was available again, and again he turned it down.
Shit.
It was the hardest decision we have had to make in a long time. And now sometimes (okay, maybe a lot of the times) I wish we had followed the other half of our hearts and our minds. Grandpa would have been okay, maybe even just as happy. A retirement home would have provided company that doesn't leave all the time or that is gone all day. It would have provided three meals a day, his meds at the right time, activities and transportation. It would have been kid-free. It might actually have been a little bit better for him. Of course, I didn't think about that at the time. I just thought about this helpless, blind, deaf old man who's own daughter didn't want to come and live with him. And now, I know why. He's old, grumpy and has NO patience with children. I do love him like he is my own grandfather, but I question why I felt such a strong need to help.
Regretting our decision does nothing. It only makes me resent more the things about our current situation I do not like. The doc says, "maybe a year left, but I'm not God," and suddenly I feel even more frustrated and lost. It makes me sad to think about, as can be read in my last post. It also makes me anxious. All I want is to live in harmony. To have a rhythm we can all feel comfortable with. To have time to myself and time with my husband and time with my children. To have a place we can call our own. There was so much we were going to do to this house and now we can't do it.
I made my husband turn down his dream job (worst wife of the year award, right here) because in my heart at the time, it seemed to be the right thing to do. And in all honesty, it IS the RIGHT thing to do. So why am I so damn frustrated with it? Why am I having such a hard time accepting and compromising? Why do I fucking hate change so much? (okay, that one I can answer: because I like repitition and I like knowing what to expect). The house change doesn't bother me, I love that I can tell my kids to go play outside. It's the family dynamic change that is so hard, and why wouldn't it be? It's like adding an 89 yr old pre-schooler to your family (you know how pre-schoolers want to do everything themselves and be independent but they still need a lot of help and make a lot of mistakes? Yeah, like that.)
I'm still thankful for this situation. There are certain things we would not have been able to accomplish quickly without it. I am continuing to do inner-work through my schooling which helps me to come to peace with the things I have difficulty with in my life as a caregiver. It also helps me to create a better space and atmosphere for my kids and Grandpa, so we can live harmoniously together, whether it be for one more year or 10 more--if only I could redesign the kitchen no matter what I feel like it would help out tremedously, it's my domain, ya know? And I have the BEST idea for it, oh well. Our goal was to save money and help grandpa enjoy the rest of the life he has. It's not easy and it will continue to not-be-easy, and I will continue to remind myself of the good that can come of this and try to focus on that good. But in all honesty, if the Mr. were offered that job again--be it one or ten years from now--you better believe he's going to accept. Sometimes what is best for one, is not best for all. And in our current situation, we can and will make the best of it, but it truly is not best for all.
Shit.
It was the hardest decision we have had to make in a long time. And now sometimes (okay, maybe a lot of the times) I wish we had followed the other half of our hearts and our minds. Grandpa would have been okay, maybe even just as happy. A retirement home would have provided company that doesn't leave all the time or that is gone all day. It would have provided three meals a day, his meds at the right time, activities and transportation. It would have been kid-free. It might actually have been a little bit better for him. Of course, I didn't think about that at the time. I just thought about this helpless, blind, deaf old man who's own daughter didn't want to come and live with him. And now, I know why. He's old, grumpy and has NO patience with children. I do love him like he is my own grandfather, but I question why I felt such a strong need to help.
Regretting our decision does nothing. It only makes me resent more the things about our current situation I do not like. The doc says, "maybe a year left, but I'm not God," and suddenly I feel even more frustrated and lost. It makes me sad to think about, as can be read in my last post. It also makes me anxious. All I want is to live in harmony. To have a rhythm we can all feel comfortable with. To have time to myself and time with my husband and time with my children. To have a place we can call our own. There was so much we were going to do to this house and now we can't do it.
I made my husband turn down his dream job (worst wife of the year award, right here) because in my heart at the time, it seemed to be the right thing to do. And in all honesty, it IS the RIGHT thing to do. So why am I so damn frustrated with it? Why am I having such a hard time accepting and compromising? Why do I fucking hate change so much? (okay, that one I can answer: because I like repitition and I like knowing what to expect). The house change doesn't bother me, I love that I can tell my kids to go play outside. It's the family dynamic change that is so hard, and why wouldn't it be? It's like adding an 89 yr old pre-schooler to your family (you know how pre-schoolers want to do everything themselves and be independent but they still need a lot of help and make a lot of mistakes? Yeah, like that.)
I'm still thankful for this situation. There are certain things we would not have been able to accomplish quickly without it. I am continuing to do inner-work through my schooling which helps me to come to peace with the things I have difficulty with in my life as a caregiver. It also helps me to create a better space and atmosphere for my kids and Grandpa, so we can live harmoniously together, whether it be for one more year or 10 more--if only I could redesign the kitchen no matter what I feel like it would help out tremedously, it's my domain, ya know? And I have the BEST idea for it, oh well. Our goal was to save money and help grandpa enjoy the rest of the life he has. It's not easy and it will continue to not-be-easy, and I will continue to remind myself of the good that can come of this and try to focus on that good. But in all honesty, if the Mr. were offered that job again--be it one or ten years from now--you better believe he's going to accept. Sometimes what is best for one, is not best for all. And in our current situation, we can and will make the best of it, but it truly is not best for all.
I think a lot about the times I went down a different path than the one I might have originally wanted. Even now, life is filled with the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's," and it's frustrating. I think that the decisions we make, however, are always right at the time, and it sounds like you only have the best intentions, and you made the best decision you could in the moment. And having a house and a yard and everything is great for the kids, I'm positive, and that's something you can't regret.
ReplyDeleteAs frustrating as trying to take care of someone who doesn't want to be taken care of (my grandparents are the same), you are doing the best you can and I definitely don't think you should regret that. Life throws us a lot of shit, and how we handle it is what makes us stronger, fiercer, and ten times as badass as the day before. It's okay to be stressed and worried, but you're not in it alone. Your family and friends see all of your heart, and that's something you definitely should believe counts :)